Cat Litter Gag Gifts

Here's a gag gift for all the cat enthusiasts who deal with cat litter every day.  I give you:

US Patent # 5,180,337

A novelty item appearing to be a cat apparently trapped in a holding material that is cinched and tied at its upper portion depicting the cat was purposefully placed inside the material.  The cat's tail protrudes from said material depicting attempted escape. The words KITTY LITTER printed on the  material gives the comical effect that the cat is refuse.

Very funny.  Only NOT!

Insomnia Helmet

US Patent # 5,081,986 - The Insomnia Helmet!!!

A massaging helmet contains an endless belt which rubs the wearer's head with belt areas of various textures. The belt runs over two rollers located inside the helmet near the forehead and nape.  An electric motor and batteries power the belt, which rubs the scalp from front to back.  The rear roller is adjustable for tensioning the belt.  The belt surface, of soft plastic, has both an embossed area to mimic the human hand, and another area with rows of upright plastic fingers which comb the hair.

I think this beastie might GIVE me chronic insomnia, or a least scare away the monsters under the bed!!

Love Song in a Condom

US Patent # 5,163,447

A force-sensitive sound-playing condom comprising: a condom body (10) having a distal end and a proximal end, and a miniature force-sensitive sound-playing unit (14) attached to the condom at its proximal end.  The proximal end of the condom is made in the form of a semrigid rim (12) having a lower part with an opening (16) coinciding with the cavity of the condom, and an upper part extending radically upwardly from the body of the condom and  supporting the should-playing unit(14). The latter contains a chip-controlled piezoelectric sound transducer which plays a melody or voiced message when during intercourse the contacts (28 and 30) of the sound-playing unit (14) are closed and the transducer is activated.

Click here for a condom size chart
Sorry, I can't help you with your song selection...

Stealth Dog Grooming Vacuum Cleaner and Dryer

I don't know about you, but my cats think that vacuum cleaners are tools of the devil. No, really. They are quite certain that these evil carpet suckers are manufactured in hell just to torment them. As a matter of fact, so do I but for entirely different reasons! My furbeasts aren't particularly fond of animals of the canine persuasion, either.

Imagine, if you will, a vacuum cleaner shaped like a dog. No. Really. I'm not kidding...

USPatent # 3,771,192 is described as:  A toy dog closely resembling a real dog and having a hollow interior in which is mounted a vacuum cleaner having a suction hose which is retractable from the tail end of the dog (ARE YOU SERIOUS??... Don't they mean it's ass?) This enables vacuuming a dog after a hair cut and grooming without causing fear to the dog inasmuch as the vacuum cleaner noise is greatly muffled by such enclosure.  The vacuum cleaner is convertible to a blower and air issuing from the tail (Sounds like a dog fart to me!!) can be heated so as to serve as a dryer.

So... if one would really use this, your newly groomed pooch would be getting sucked and humped by a dog shaped vacuum cleaner... or blown dry by a mechanical dog breaking wind.  
If this isn't your style (or your dog's), check this list of the best vacuum cleaners:
Dyson, Oreck, Eureka, Kirby, Hoover, and Meile.  Watch this space for a review of the top 10 vacuum cleaners.